“O, it is excellent to have a giant’s strength; but it is tyrannous to use it like a giant.” — William Shakespeare
“One of my rules is: Never try to do anything. Just do it.” — Ani DiFranco
“The shifts of fortune test the reliability of friends.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero
“I lapsed into rude.” — Dennis Miller
From time-to-time JBRish will post items under the heading of Words Worth that demonstrate the quirkiness, humor, beauty and flexibility of the English language.
To initiate this category of posts, what could be more fitting on the heels of Halloween than to present interesting epitaphs that are punny, witty or just plain humorous? I cannot verify that these are valid, but I think you will agree that they are indeed clever.
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Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903–Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.
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East Dalhousie, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.
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London, England:
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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Ribbesford, England:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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Ruidoso, New Mexico:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.
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Uniontown, Pennsylvania:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
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Silver City, Nevada:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
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England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
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Wimborne, England (John Penny’s Grave):
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
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Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
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Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
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Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God.
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England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
“Wait until it is night before saying that it has been a fine day.” — French Proverb
“We relish news of our heroes, forgetting that we are extraordinary to somebody too.” — Helen Hayes
“What is the ultimate quantification of success? For me, it’s not how much time you spend doing what you love. It’s how little time you spend doing what you hate.” — Casey Neistat
“No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected.” — Julius Caesar
“Love leaves a memory no one can steal.” — Seen on a headstone in Ireland
“No matter what the situation, remind yourself ‘I have a choice.'” — Deepak Chopra
“Evil is powerless if the good are unafraid.” — Ronald Reagan
“If you focus on results, you will never change. If you focus on change, you will get results.” — Jack Dixon
“I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion.” — Henry David Thoreau
“Do today what others won’t so you can do tomorrow what others can’t.” — Jerry Rice
“It doesn’t matter if you can quote the bible if you live as though you never opened it.” — David Alan Campbell
“A pat on the back, though only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, is miles ahead in results.” — Bennett Cerf
“What is forgiven is usually well remembered.” — Louis Dudek
“To play it safe is not to play.” — Robert Altman
“The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it fall.” — Che Guevara
“I don’t know how to act my age. I’ve never been this age before.” — Unknown
“I have never in my life learned anything from any man who agreed with me.” — Dudley Field Malone
“Nothing happens until something moves.” — Albert Einstein
“Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun.” — Don Marquis
“If you’re not familiar with it, a college degree is a thing that we tell our kids to buy with money they don’t have, in hopes that it will help them make money they might earn, which will give them the ability to pay back the money they spent in order to make the money they’re paying it back with.” — Matt Walsh
“The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.” — Alan Saporta
“Your mind is for having ideas, not holding them.” — David Allen
“Ethics is knowing what you have a right to do and what is right to do.” — Potter Stewart
“…My style is directly related to my limitations.” — Billy Joel
“The right time is any time that one is still so lucky as to have.” — Henry James
“No matter who you are, no matter what you did, no matter where you’ve come from, you can always change, become a better version of yourself.” — Madonna
“To kill an error is as good a service as, and sometimes even better than, the establishing of a new truth or fact.” — Charles Darwin
“A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.” — Kathy Lette
“Ignoring the signs is a good way to end up at the wrong destination.” — Unknown
“…The impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.” — Annie Dillard
“Close some doors not because of pride incapacity or arrogance but simply because they no longer lead somewhere.” — Paulo Coelho
“If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.” — Jerry Seinfeld