Older quotes are arranged in alphabetical order by the originator’s last name. The newest quotes will appear at the top of the page until further additions are made.

Recently Added Quotes

December 11, 2021

 

 

Anonymous – “It’s not that I really cheat at golf. I play for my health, and a low score makes me feel better.”

 
Beard, Henry – “Drive: A shot that comes after the whiff and before the mulligan.”

 
Zorn, Robert E. – “Go ahead and putt, you are not interrupting my conversation. ”

 

**********
Former Golf Quotes by Attribution
**********

Aaron, Hank – “It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.”

Adams, Franklin P. – “Middle age occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush up to the net.”

Adams, Joey – “Most people play a fair game of golf… if you watch them”

Anonymous – “Golf: A pastime that gives people cooped up in the office all week a chance to lie and cheat outdoors.”

Anonymous – “Man blames most accidents on fate – but feels a more personal responsibility when he makes a hole-in-one on the golf course.”

Anonymous – “The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name… and they say golf is a quiet game.”

Armour,Tommy – “Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result.”

Azinger, Paul – “I don’t enjoy playing video golf because there’s nothing to throw.”

Ballesteros, Seve – “I’d like to see the fairways more narrow; then everybody would have to play from the rough, not just me.”

Ballesteros, Seve – “The point is that it doesn’t matter if you look like a beast before or after the hit, as long as you look like a beauty at the moment of impact.”

Barry, Dave – “Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

Barry, Dave – “You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses, because they will want to keep playing. ”

Baugh, Laura – “When you step on the first tee it doesn’t matter what you look like. … It doesn’t help your 5-iron if you’re pretty.”

Beard, Henry – “A tap-in is a putt that is short enough to be missed one-handed.”

Beard, Henry – “Handicap: An allocation of strokes on one or more holes that permits two golfers of very different ability to do equally poorly on the same course.”

Beck, Fred – “If you pick up a golfer and hold it close to your ear, like a conch shell, and listen, you will hear an alibi.”

Bishop, Jim – “Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.”

Blancas, Homero – “Then I was skinnier, I hit it better, I putted better, and I could see better… other than that, everything is the same.”

Bolt, Tommy – “I’ve thrown or broken a few clubs in my day. In fact, I guess at one time or another I probably held distance records for every club in the bag.”

Bolt, Tommy – “Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.”

Bolt, Tommy – “The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims that he plays the game merely for exercise.”

Boomer, Percey – “If you wish to hide your character, do not play golf.”

Boros, Julius– “Retire to what?… I’m a golfer and a fisherman; there’s nothing to retire to.”

Boswell, Thomas – “I may be the only golfer never to have broken a single putter; if you don’t count the one I twisted and threw into a bush.”

Brown, Lee P. – “At first a golfer excuses a dismal performance by claiming bad lies; with experience, he covers up with better ones.”

Bruce, Bob – “I used to play golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he once had a hole in one and wrote down zero on his scorecard.”

Bruce, Bob – “You know you’re on the Senior Tour when your back goes out more than you do.”

Burrell, Jack – “My (golf) clubs are well used, but unfortunately not used well.”

Campbell, Patrick – “Golf is the only game in which a precise knowledge of the rules can earn one a reputation for bad sportsmanship.”

Carnegie, Andrew – “Golf is an indispensable adjunct to high civilization.”

Cheevers, Gerry – “In golf, I’m one under; one under a tree, one under a rock, and one under a bush.”

Chesterton, G.K. – “I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.”

Churchill, Winston – “Golf: An ineffectual attempt to direct an uncontrollable sphere into an inaccessible hole with instruments ill-adapted to the purpose.”

Cooke, Alistair – “In golf, humiliations are the essence of the game.”

Cooke, Alistair – “They have been playing golf for 800 years and nobody has satisfactorily said why.”

Crenshaw, Ben– “My golf game’s gone off so much that when I went fishing a couple of weeks ago my first cast missed the lake.”

Daly, John – “Do I have to know rules and all that crap? Then forget it.”

Daly, John – “I enjoy the oohs! and aahs! from the gallery when I hit my drives; but I’m getting pretty tired of the awws! and uhhs! when I miss the putt.”

Daniel, Beth – “I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. I just don’t know where I fit in.”

David, Larry – “If I wasn’t a golfer, I would still be miserable – but not as miserable.”

Dickinson, Gardner – “They say golf is like life, but don’t believe them; golf is more complicated than that.”

Diller, Phyllis – “The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you”

Dobereiner, Peter – “Half of golf is fun; the other half is putting.”

Faxon, Brad – “The golf swing is among the most stressful and unnatural acts in sports, short of cheering for the Yankees.”

Feherty, David – “Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff.”

Fitzgerald, Barry – “A Golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors.”

Ford, Gerald R. – “I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.”

Garner, Cindy – “A woman I know is engaged to a real golf nut. They are supposed to get married next Saturday…but only if it rains”

Gladstone, Dr. Irving A. – “Golf is a game of expletives not deleted.”

Graham, Billy – “The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.”

Graham. Lou – “Golf: ‘Hitting the ball is the fun part of it, but the fewer times you hit the ball the more fun you have.'”

Grizzard Jr., Lewis – “By the time a man can afford to lose a golf ball, he can’t hit it that far.”

Hackett. Buddy – “Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of golf, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.”

Herford, Oliver – “A man must love a thing very much if he not only practices it without any hope of fame and money, but even… without any hope of doing it well.”

Hinkle, Lon – “Golf is golf. You hit the ball, you go find it; then you hit it again.”

Hobday, Simon – “Golf giveth and golf taketh away, but it taketh away a hell of a lot more than it giveth.”

Hogan, Ben – “This is a game of misses; the guy who misses the best is going to win.”

Holtz, Lou – “If he’s got golf clubs in his truck or a camper in his driveway, I don’t hire him.”

Hope, Bob – “At least he can’t cheat on his score because all you have to do is look back down the fairway and count the wounded.”

Hope, Bob – “If you watch a game, it’s fun; if you play it, it’s recreation; if you work at it, it’s golf.”

Jenkins, Dan – “Always keep in mind that if God didn’t want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn’t come three to a sleeve.”

Jenkins, Dan – “The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting, just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow.”

Demaret, Jimmy – “You know what they say about big hitters… the woods are full of them.”

Deukmejian Jr., George – “The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.”

Jones, Bobby – “If ever I needed an eight foot putt, and everything I owned depended on it, I would want Arnold Palmer to putt for me.”

Jones, Bobby – “If I needed advice from my caddie, he’d be hitting the shots and I’d be carrying the bag.”

Jones, Bobby – “Too much ambition is a bad thing to have in a [golf] bunker.” 

Jones, Franklin P – “Always tell the truth. You may make a hole in one when you’re alone on the golf course someday.”

Karras, Alex – “My best score is 103, but I’ve only been playing for fifteen years.”

Kennedy, John F. – “Show me a man with a great golf game, and I’ll show you a man who has been neglecting something.”

King, Florence (novelist, essayist & columnist) – “Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.”

Lansky, Bruce – “Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game”

Lansky, Bruce – “I’ll always remember the day I broke ninety. I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.”

Lansky, Bruce – “I used to go to the driving range to practice driving without slicing; now I go to the driving range to practice slicing without swearing.”

Lansky,Bruce – “I’ve thought about buying those new, long distance balls, but I wonder—what’s the point of hitting golf balls even further out of bounds?”

Lemmon, Jack – “If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”

Lewis, Joe E. – “Golf- I play in the low eighties. If it’s any hotter than that, I won’t play.”

Longhurst, Henry – “If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using “an outside agency” and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.”

Mann, Carol – “A golf swing is a collection of corrected mistakes.”

Marr, Dave – “Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes.”

Martha, Beckman – “Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole-in-one.”

Marx, Groucho – “I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.”

Melnyk, Steve – “I never knew what top golf was like until I turned professional… then it was too late.”

Mencken, H.L. – “If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”

Miller, Larry – “You know you’re getting old when you start watching golf on TV and enjoying it.”

Milne, A.A. – “Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.”

Mulligan, Thomas – “The score a player reports on any hole should always be regarded as his opening offer.”

Murray, Jim – “Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.”

Murray, Jim – “Don Quixote would understand golf. It is the impossible dream.”

National Lampoon – “Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns.”

Nelson, Byron – “The only thing you should force in a golf swing is the club back in the bag.”

Nichols, Bobby – “Nothing goes down slower than a golf handicap.”

Nielsen, Leslie – “Yes, golf can be taught – it’s just that it can’t be learned.”

O’Rourke, P.J. – “Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.”

Olav Lee, Hans – “The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.”

Palmer, Arnold – “Concentration comes out of a combination of confidence and hunger.”

Phillips, H.I. – “There are two reasons for making a hole in one; the first is that it is immensely labor-saving.”

Poundstone, Paula – “There’s Fantasy Golf’? Apparently, there’s a level of boredom I’ve never experienced.”

Reilly, Rick – “Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.”

Robertson, George (British politician) – “My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt… the rest can never be mastered.”

Rodríguez, ‘Chi Chi’ – “I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.”

Rodríguez, ‘Chi Chi’ – “A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at six o’clock and make it go toward twelve o’clock. But make sure you’re in the same time zone.”

Rodríguez, Chi Chi – “I don’t fear death, but I sure don’t like those three-footers for par.”

Rodríguez, ‘Chi Chi’ – “There are two things you can do with your head down – play golf and pray.”

Rogers, Will – “Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft; today it’s called golf.”

Rogers, Will – “The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.”

Rosenbaum, Art – “Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well.”

Rosin, Charles – “Golf isn’t a game, it’s a choice that one makes with one’s life.”

Russell, Bertrand – “The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.”

Smith, Jerry – “If I hit it right, it’s a slice. If I hit it left, it’s a hook. If I hit it straight, it’s a miracle.”

Snead, Sam – “The three things I fear most in golf are lightning, Ben Hogan, and a downhill putt.”

Snead, Sam – “These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.”

Snead, Sam – “Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow the dogs have to wag their tails up and down.” (I think this counts because it is from Sam Snead!)

Snead, Sam – “You’ve got just one problem. You stand too close to the ball – after you’ve hit it.”

Stadler, Craig – “Why am I using a new putter? Because the old one didn’t float too well.”

Stockton, Dave – “When the ducks are walking, you know it is too windy to be playing golf.”

Swan, Jane – “My golf is improving… yesterday I hit the ball in one!”

Toscano, Harry – “I’m hitting the woods just great, but I’m having a terrible time getting out of them.”

Trevino, Lee – “Columbus went around the world in 1492; that isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.”

Trevino, Lee – “I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.”

Trevino, Lee – “Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money.”

Trevino, Lee – “You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.”

Trevino, Lee – “You can talk to a fade but a hook won’t listen.”

Twain, Mark – “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

Unknown – “Gimme: An agreement between two losers who can’t putt.”

Unknown – “Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by an occasional miracle.”

Unknown – “Only a stupid golfer throws his club behind him. The smart golfer throws his club ahead so he can pick it up on the way to the next hole.”

Unknown – “The man who would rather play golf than eat should marry the woman who would rather shop than cook.”

Unknown – “The proper score for a businessman golfer is 90. If he is better than that he is neglecting his business. If he’s worse, he’s neglecting his golf.”

Unknown – “Handicapped Golfer: The man playing his boss.”

Unknown – “Hole-In-One: An occurrence in which a ball is hit directly from the tee into the hole on a single shot by a golfer playing alone.”

Updike, John – “Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child; just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.”

Updike, John – “Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.

Weis, Brian – “That putt had more breaks than a government job.”

Wilson, Woodrow – “Golf: A game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose”

Wodehouse, P.G. – “Golf… is the infallible test; the man who can go into a patch of rough alone, with the knowledge that only God is watching him, and play his ball where it lies, is the man who will serve you faithfully and well.”

Wodehouse, P.G. – “He enjoys that perfect peace, that peace beyond all understanding, which comes at its maximum only to the man who has given up golf.”

Wodehouse, P.G. – “To find a man’s true character, play golf with him.”

Wordsworth, William – “Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.”